the story that woke me from my nap

or

the stupidest dream ever.

___________________

It is 1995.

My present 30-year-old self is rooming at my mother's home.

She has also rented rooms out to to other people, two single males.

I am full of angst for some reason. Maybe because it's 1995.

Suddenly, I discover one of the renters, a young Brad Sherwood, is trying to seduce my mother.

I am shocked because I thought Brad Sherwood and the other renter, Youtube user CMaddoxBiitch, were a couple. I call up a friend but don't talk to her because I am trying to get my mother's attention. She seems busy with other things and is avoiding me as well. I throw a few temper tantrums where I am very rude to Brad Sherwood.

I have a plan. I knocked on the master bedroom door where CMaddoxBiitch is rooming, and he invites me in. I smile and sit on the bed. I take up a lot of room cuz my butt is so fat. I make a comment along the lines of: oh sorry I am taking up so much space, my butt is fat.

The room is decorated in red and black velvet with gold accents. It's kind of ugly and strangely appealing at the same time.

"I love your Youtube channel," I say. "I decided I should be friendlier with you and Brad."

CMaddoxbiitch smiles politely but I can see he wants to get back to his nap. I'm desperate to be on his good side so I say: "Oh did I mention I think you have gorgeous features? Like an east African? So elegant, wow!"

I decide this is about as friendly as it's going to get, so I ask: "Hey, you know Brad Sherwood well, do you? Are you guys a couple? Is he a nice guy?"

CMaddoxBiitch's facial reaction tells me I blew my cover. He can tell I'm not here to make friends, and says: "We aren't a couple, and even if we were I wouldn't tell you about him". He gets up and crosses the hall dramatically, opens a door, and closes it behind him but in that instant I see Brad Sherwood sleeping in a bed with… MY MOM! I yell: "You are going to regret this!"

I go to my room and, from the window, I see my friend pulling up to the house in a Nissan Cube. I grab some stuff and leave the house running. Some of the stuff I took may or may not include wads of stolen cash.

"Hi!" says my friend.

I smile and reply: "Let's go to Vegas!"